One of the main reasons I have stayed away from learning to run in the past, was because of my weight.
I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
To me, when you see an overweight person running and then struggling or walking, you assume it is because they are unfit - obviously because they are overweight.
However, when you see a skinny, beautiful, well-dressed individual running down the road, you assume they must be an athlete (provided they don't pull a phoebe every time they put their kicks on... not that there is any wrong with that. Phoebe is Queen.).
If a ridiculously good-looking sweaty person has to stop to catch their breath, you can assume it is because they have just run 10 miles, not because they are unfit.
I have always felt that smaller people have had this advantage over me, for being able to workout without the embarrassment of the judgmental individuals you might meet on your way, or the rude cars that honk or yell belligerent things to you as they pass (it happens).
So when I started training, that was one of the biggest fears I had. And before each run, I still have a few minutes of nervousness as I begin to run because I don't want people to look at me and judge me because of my size.
It has been 6 months since I started running, and other than some minor toning, my body has not changed. My weight has definitely not changed. I have run a 10km race and I still look like I only run for cake.
I see this judgement every time I tell someone of the challenge Rhi and I have set ourselves. I see it every time someone looks at my body and silently rejects the idea of someone as large as myself being able to run for such an elongated period of time. Rhi and I both see it when someone hesitates and then tries to be encouraging and supportive.
This is what put me off running before I started.
But something has changed. And that same judgement is now something that I am starting to use as fuel for motivation.
Now when I run, and I notice someone looking at me or checking out my body, I hope that they are appreciating my effort and that my effort is a motivation and an inspiration to them.
Now I hope when I pass that guy running the opposite way around the oval, the shocked look I get from him that I want to answer with "yes, I am still going" will be something that gives him the burst of energy he needs to make his last mile. Even if he is just competing with me.
I didn't start to feel this way overnight. There have been a few motivators that have been able to change my way of thinking.
When I first started training and was madly searching the internet for inspiration, I came across "Fat Girl Running".
I was immediately drawn into her blog and started madly reading about her experiences and the opportunities that have been coming her way just for doing what she loves.
This amazing woman seemed so normal and real. She acknowledges that she is running and writing for those of us that don't feel like they fit in the normal spectrum of runners bodies and she loves the attention she gets from her 'fat running' accomplishments.
I came across many other very 'real' people all with their own running blogs and then I came across an amazing woman by the name of Kelly Roberts and her blog "Run, Selfie, Repeat".
I found Kelly's blog right when she hit the tabloids for taking selfies with hot guys in the NYC marathon.
If you know anything about marathons, you should know that they are usually not an affair that someone takes lightly. But Kelly ran the race her own way, bugger what anyone else thought of her.
I started reading through her blog and following her Facebook page and took a great deal of inspiration from the way that she looked at training.
This chick had a great outlook on life, and took all the horrible and awkward parts of running and made them fun. My kind of person.
One article (rant) of Kelly's in particular that I identified with was her open letter to all fitness brands about fact that their clothing is not properly represented by 'normal' sized people like herself, and like me, Kelly looks at these people in these glossy magazines and wonders why she does not look like them if she can run like them. This is a woman that has run four (five?) marathons!
It wasn't until I found people like this that my frame of mind started to change.
I started believing a little more in myself and then almost encouraged other peoples doubt and judgement just so I could challenge it.
A little aggressive? Perhaps. But I am working on it.